The problem with admitting that you have depression and anxiety is sometimes people look at you different. People act like your different. Like your broken or incapable. Or suddenly stupid or weak. But it's just that your sick. You have an illness. That doesn't mean you some how become an invalid mentally incapable of rational thought.
When I am depressed I am sad for no apparent reason, I am overwhelmed and have drastic inexplicable feelings of hopelessness. I have feelings of irrational fear and worry that makes it difficult to complete tasks. You want to curl up in bed and you have no energy.
Every now and then out of the blue you may even deal with suicidal thoughts. This makes school difficult.
Does this make you somehow less of a person? Does this make you pathetic? Or weak. It's an illness.You can see it on a brain scan.
Nevertheless despite the depression and anxiety I am still a capable person. I am 25 years old. I am intelligent. I am a psychological operations specialist in the Army a part of special operations which is under the same umbrella as the Special Forces. I am a Return Missionary. My Gosh so why do people act like just because I struggle that I am somehow less? Why treat me like I am stupid. Why should I be underestimated? Why should anybody with depression or anxiety think they are less?
So what brought this on? So I am adopting a cat. A none event and something simple. I am a cat person. To qualify for the loophole that will get me around housing policy I need to get a recommendation from a counselor. Basically he needs to confirm that I struggle with depression. I mention to my group leader that I need him to sign a form. And he writes he's not sure I am capable of taking care of cat. WTF He suggests measures should be put in place to ensure the animals welfare. It's a frekkin cat how hard is that? Am I like twelve because I have slumps? Or down periods where I don't feel like going to my Japanese class? I just want to scream. For all you mothers out there many of you who deal with depression or down periods how would you feel if someone suggested you needed to have social services check in on you every now and then since you have hard times? You are somehow inadequate and untrustworthy as a mother?
Isn't that just the most insulting thing you can think off? This isn't even a child this is a cat! I feel like I have been discriminated against by a counselor who should know better. I am 25 years old if I didn't feel like I could take care of a pet, like it would be to much work why would I suggest it? I realize this is a silly inconsequential thing but it's infuriating.
This is the kind of stupidity you get because people think your an invalid just because you have depression. It's because this attitude that people don't admit that they have a problem. Because you have a stigma now. It's just dark times, it's just trials, part of life. Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it's harder to go to school or work. But Damn YOU ARE STILL A CAPABLE PERSON. DAMN ALL THE PEOPLE THAT THINK YOU ARE LESS.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Kell-chan and Black Josephine
A lot of my friends call me Kell-chan. It's comes from my love of Japanese stuff. I feel kind of empty right now and I don't care about much. I have two tests coming up for school and I haven't gone to school in a week. Depression has reared it's ugly head. Sometimes I am afraid that I wont be able to accomplish what I want too in life. Right now I am fighting for my Associates. I am fighting for my comeback. I didn't do so well in school before you see. My hope is to bring up my grades and also get back into shape. One of my other goals is to write.
I was thinking about a character. Her Name is Josephine. It's a mid-evil fantasy world. The father always dreamed of raising a famous knight and he was going to name him Joseph. When the baby turned out to be a girl it didn't change his dream any. So he trains her to be a knight and her Mom wants her to be a lady. Her parents are always fighting over what they want her to be but she discovers that she has magic and decides to become a mage instead. Both are very put out until the Mom realized that she will be around a lot of eligible powerful noblemen and the Dad decides that it doesn't matter that she is a mage she can be a Knight as well.
That's the name of this book by the way Knight Mage. The first part of the book deals with Josephine struggling to become a Knight mage surrounded by men. There are women Mages in this setting but they are more like healers and researches. Josephine with her Father's pushing and influence wants to be a warrior and that's what really sets her apart from other women mages. She has kind of a chip on her shoulder. She is sort of a hot head at first. She has a lot to prove. But after she gains some confidence she calms down and starts working with her team better. I am drawing on my on experience being a women in the Army and seeing some women in the army.
Josephine has to find her own place and she makes friends and falls in love while a war starts. The last part of the story deals with the fighting and the toll it takes on her and her friends. Something happens in the war in the end and I think maybe her love is maybe going to die. After that Josephine is going to go berserk and slaughter a lot of people and this is going to lead directly to the wars conclusion. Her Nickname Black Josephine
In the aftermath Josephine retires and opens up a orphanages for war orphans.
I first thought of this character as being a mentor figure in another book. She was going to be dragged out of retirement to teach the main characters. Then her backstory seemed too. interesting. Teachers and older students would be afraid of her despite her being so nice. They would keep hinting about what happened. The main characters wont know until after Josephine rescues them or something. When I thought of her I knew I needed to know what happened and now her story which is a prequel has overtaken the main characters.
I was thinking about a character. Her Name is Josephine. It's a mid-evil fantasy world. The father always dreamed of raising a famous knight and he was going to name him Joseph. When the baby turned out to be a girl it didn't change his dream any. So he trains her to be a knight and her Mom wants her to be a lady. Her parents are always fighting over what they want her to be but she discovers that she has magic and decides to become a mage instead. Both are very put out until the Mom realized that she will be around a lot of eligible powerful noblemen and the Dad decides that it doesn't matter that she is a mage she can be a Knight as well.
That's the name of this book by the way Knight Mage. The first part of the book deals with Josephine struggling to become a Knight mage surrounded by men. There are women Mages in this setting but they are more like healers and researches. Josephine with her Father's pushing and influence wants to be a warrior and that's what really sets her apart from other women mages. She has kind of a chip on her shoulder. She is sort of a hot head at first. She has a lot to prove. But after she gains some confidence she calms down and starts working with her team better. I am drawing on my on experience being a women in the Army and seeing some women in the army.
Josephine has to find her own place and she makes friends and falls in love while a war starts. The last part of the story deals with the fighting and the toll it takes on her and her friends. Something happens in the war in the end and I think maybe her love is maybe going to die. After that Josephine is going to go berserk and slaughter a lot of people and this is going to lead directly to the wars conclusion. Her Nickname Black Josephine
In the aftermath Josephine retires and opens up a orphanages for war orphans.
I first thought of this character as being a mentor figure in another book. She was going to be dragged out of retirement to teach the main characters. Then her backstory seemed too. interesting. Teachers and older students would be afraid of her despite her being so nice. They would keep hinting about what happened. The main characters wont know until after Josephine rescues them or something. When I thought of her I knew I needed to know what happened and now her story which is a prequel has overtaken the main characters.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Intro
My name is Jacqueline Racquel Harris. As of Feb 11 2015 I am now 25 years old. I am a college student , a return missionary for the LDS church, and reservist in the Army Reserves. I am also an aspiring writer. I was told once that I shouldn't use the word aspiring because it means that I am not yet a writer. That it was counter intuitive to my purpose. But I hadn't written anything official and I haven't published yet. Until today. So today I am a writer. What has finally pushed me into writing you might ask? Well because I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have panic attacks and such extremely dark moods that there has been a few times were I considered taking my life. I am in counseling and I am taking medication. I'm handling it. Sort of but at times I find myself crippled and I can't move forward. I need an outlet. I need a way to tell how I am feeling because sometimes I can't talk. Sometimes I don't know what I am feeling. Sometimes I can't move out of my own bed. So I have decided on an outlet. And here it is.
Feeling regret. Relationships
Wow that was kind of daunting. Coming out so to speak with the fact that I have these emotional struggles but at the same time it's liberating. I am actually smiling. This is the first time in a while other then when I am watching a cool show. Speaking of cool shows I am currently all exited about Grey's Anatomy season 11 and Fate/Zero. Grey's Anatomy is of course awesome and everyone has heard of it but probably not many of you have heard of Fate/Zero. Fate/Zero is an anime. Japanese animation. You might think this is for kids but you would be wrong. It's about this epic showdown for the holy grail. Seven master magicians summon seven servants. That's a tongue twister. All are famous hero's from around the world. And they all fight to obtain the holy grail that will grant them there one wish. It's awesome.
What I like about Grey's Anatomy. And yes I just jumped and changed the subject I can do that because it's my blog. Is the character relationships. It's sad now that spoiler Christina left the show. There friendship was a big part of the show. I love relationships because I don't really understand them. I like to analyze them. How they form. What dynamics etc.
I am thinking about a story. It's a Fantasy setting. The Characters have these crystals that grant them power and these people act as protectors of the realm. There called successors. One of the main characters is named Lia or maybe Annalise. She never wanted to be a successor but she is and now she is stuck with the role. She used to rebel but after she lost her brother, her aunt, and her father she feels like she can't ignore the role anymore.
But anyways the relationship I have been thinking about lately is with her younger cousin. Her cousin isn't a successor but she has a lot of potential which means she might be a successor one day. So her job is to act like back up and support for Lia her older cousin. She always wanted to be a successor. She loves to be a magician and Lia never wanted any of it. So the cousin is jealous. But you kind of feel sorry for her. Because Lia literally has everything including both guys she likes and the cousin can't get out of her shadow despite working harder and being really gifted on her own.
This leads to a confrontation were the cousin leaves and the city is attacked and Lia has to fight alone and nearly dies. When the cousin gets back Lia is unconscious and the cousin is full of regret and she finally admits to the unconscious Lia that she(Lia) was the person that she(the cousin) admired the most. After which the cousin stops her job as Lia's Scion and helps another successor coming out of Lia's shadow but having a better relationship with her cousin. And this is the character development and relationship of two of my main characters in my book.
What I like about Grey's Anatomy. And yes I just jumped and changed the subject I can do that because it's my blog. Is the character relationships. It's sad now that spoiler Christina left the show. There friendship was a big part of the show. I love relationships because I don't really understand them. I like to analyze them. How they form. What dynamics etc.
I am thinking about a story. It's a Fantasy setting. The Characters have these crystals that grant them power and these people act as protectors of the realm. There called successors. One of the main characters is named Lia or maybe Annalise. She never wanted to be a successor but she is and now she is stuck with the role. She used to rebel but after she lost her brother, her aunt, and her father she feels like she can't ignore the role anymore.
But anyways the relationship I have been thinking about lately is with her younger cousin. Her cousin isn't a successor but she has a lot of potential which means she might be a successor one day. So her job is to act like back up and support for Lia her older cousin. She always wanted to be a successor. She loves to be a magician and Lia never wanted any of it. So the cousin is jealous. But you kind of feel sorry for her. Because Lia literally has everything including both guys she likes and the cousin can't get out of her shadow despite working harder and being really gifted on her own.
This leads to a confrontation were the cousin leaves and the city is attacked and Lia has to fight alone and nearly dies. When the cousin gets back Lia is unconscious and the cousin is full of regret and she finally admits to the unconscious Lia that she(Lia) was the person that she(the cousin) admired the most. After which the cousin stops her job as Lia's Scion and helps another successor coming out of Lia's shadow but having a better relationship with her cousin. And this is the character development and relationship of two of my main characters in my book.
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